![]() One-quarter (22%) said they became subs as a result of life experiences.Some (5%) called their submissiveness intrinsic, but said they didn’t acknowledge it until adulthood.I was born that way.” “I was like 5 when I started having BDSM fantasies.” “At a young age, long before I felt any interest in sex, I daydreamed being blindfolded, tied up, and whipped.” Three-quarters (78%) said they were born submissive.Many cited multiple origins for their submissiveness: They obtained completed surveys from 152. The Canadian investigators used Internet BDSM sites to recruit subs. Doms must respect subs’ limits, and within them orchestrate scenes that both parties enjoy. Subs simply specify their limits and safe words, and then surrender. In addition, aspiring doms and subs often meet prospective play partners at informal restaurant get-togethers called ”munches,” where subs almost always outnumber doms. More wanted to receive sensation than administer it. BDSM daydreams were very popular-and more people wanted to be subs than doms. The book Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lemiller reveals the results of the largest study ever conducted of Americans' erotic fantasies. Because of negotiated agreements and safewords, no matter how it looks, BDSM is always friendly, affectionate, and for many players, deeply nurturing. And participants reconsider their agreements. If subs feel threatened, they might say “red light.” Role-playing ends. If subs feel uneasy, they might say “yellow light,” meaning they’d like to stay in role but discuss their ambivalence. Despite subs’ nominal subservience, the core irony of BDSM play is that the subs are always in charge, thanks to safe words. Safewords give subs control over all play.For many kinksters, BDSM feels intimate and powerful because of the negotiations and fantasy sharing it involves. All action is carefully scripted, in marked contrast to conventional (“vanilla”) sex, where many fall into bed with little, if any, negotiation of what’s about to occur. Consequently, BDSM play is erotic theater. ![]() Not all BDSMers employ written contracts, but all state their desires and negotiate their limits and how play unfolds. Grey accepts her decisions and honors them by not delivering any sensations beyond her specified limits. Steele accepts some, modifies others, and rejects several. In Fifty Shades of Grey, the dom, Christian Grey, presents his prospective sub, Anastasia Steele, with a lengthy contract proposal detailing how he’d like to play. Players negotiate clear agreements about subs’ limits.They crave only what they personally enjoy. Like everyone else, even the most submissive subs hate dog bites, sprained ankles, or street assaults. Subs enjoy only clearly specified sensations.Many studies have shown that BDSM aficionados are a cross-section of the population, the people next door, with no greater rates of sexual trauma or mental illness than the general population. Correcting Common Misconceptions About BDSMīefore delving into the origins of subs’ pleasure from pain, let’s correct some common misconceptions:
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